BotGiOh!
by RySenkari
Summary: What happens when the monsters in Yu-Gi-Oh are switched to Battlebots? Crazy fun, that's what! Watch all of your favorite duelists in this exciting new tournament!
1. The Box Is Locked, The Lights Are On

DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

---

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon in Domino City, and Yugi was walking to his grandfather's game shop with a smile on his face.

"It's a wonderful day!" Yugi said to himself, looking up into the sky. He continued to walk until he reached the game shop. "Grandpa, I'm back!"

  
Yugi walked into the shop and looked behind the counter to see his grandfather waving to him.

"Hello, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa said. In his right hand, he was holding an envelope sealed with a golden sticker. "Yugi, a letter came for you today! It looks important!"  


Yugi took the letter from his grandpa and opened it up.

"It looks like an invitation!" Yugi said, reading the letter. "This is cool!"

---

__

Dear Yugi Moto,

You have been chosen from a pool of the world's top duelists to attend a special Duel Monsters tournament to determine the new King of Games. As the reigning King of Games, you are especially invited to attend. The tournament will be held at Treasure Island, in San Francisco, California, USA. We hope that you will attend, and rest assured, you will be pleasantly surprised by the way that the tournament is conducted.

Sincerely,

The staff of Battlebots

P. S.: Feel free to take along as many friends as you want with you! Our attendance has been really bad lately... wait, I shouldn't have said that.

---

"Battlebots?" Yugi said, reading the note. "What's that?"

"It's a fighting robot competition held in America," Yugi's grandpa said. "It's quite a good show! That Carmen Electra sure is hot! And she has really, really big boo... uh, anyway, the tournament is in San Francisco, Yugi. Are you sure you wanna go?"

"Of course I do!" Yugi said. "I think a new Duel Monsters tournament will be fun! But why would a fighting robot TV show hold a Duel Monsters competition..."

Before Yugi could ponder this fact any further, the door to the game shop opened. Joey, Tea, and Tristan walked in. Joey was holding an envelope in his hand.

"Yug, you got one too?" Joey asked, noticing the letter in Yugi's hand. "There's a new Duel Monsters tournament!"

"Yeah, I know!" Yugi said. "You got invited too, Joey? That's great!"

"Yeah, but it's in San Francisco," Joey said. "That's like, really far away. I think it's on Mars or something."  


"It's in America, Joey!" Tea said, glaring at Joey. 

"I want to go!" Tristan said. "You know, you can take along as many friends as you want. Are you going to take Serenity? Please say yes!"

"No way, dude!" Joey yelled. "America's a dangerous place for a young girl like Serenity. What if terrorists attack the tournament or something?"

"I promise to protect Serenity!" Tristan shouted, falling to his knees. "I promise! I promise I promise I-"

  
"And everybody in America carries a gun. What if a stray bullet hits Serenity in the leg?" Joey asked.

"I'll protect her!" Tristanbegged. "Please let Serenity come with us?"

"Fine," Joey said. "But if anything happens..."

  
"We still need to get to America," Yugi said. "Grandpa, could you buy plane tickets for everyone?"  


"Sure, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa said. "I'd like to go to America too. I heard the women there are really hot! And they have big boo.... uh, let's buy the plane tickets now."

"Yay!" Yugi, Tea, Tristan, and Joey cheered.

---

*At the Domino International Airport...*

Yugi, his grandpa, Joey, Tristan, Tea, and Serenity were sitting around a table at the airport's Starbucks. Yugi's grandpa was sipping on a cappuccino, while the kids were talking about everything they were going to do in America.

"The first thing I'm going to do is take a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge!" Yugi said, holding up his trusty camera. "I've heard it's one of the most famous bridges in the world!"

"I'm going to make some new friends!" Tea declared. "Because friendship is very, very important! It's fun to make friends in new countries! Once we get back to Japan, I'll write them pen pal letters every day! Because friendship and pen pals and letters are all important! You know-"

"I'm going to join an anti-war protest!" Joey said, interrupting Tea.

"Uh, Joey, the war in Iraq just ended," Tea said. "No more protests."

"Oh," Joey said. "Well then, I'm going to protest... uh... uh... I'm going to protest the end of the war!"

"I'm going to take Serenity out to McDonalds and share my hamburger with her," Tristan said. "I can, because the burgers are so big there! Everything is big in America!"

"I don't eat burgers," Serenity said sweetly. "I'm a vegetarian. But thank you anyway, Tristan!"

"When did you become a vegetarian?" Tea asked. 

"A while back," Serenity said. "I don't like the taste of meat in my mouth."

"Damn," Tristan muttered under his breath.

"Flight 6558 from Domino City to San Francisco will take off in ten minutes," said a pleasant-sounding female voice over the airport's PA system.

"That's us!" Yugi's grandpa said, standing up. "Let's go!"  


---

Meanwhile, Kaiba and Mokuba were also flying to San Francisco on Kaiba's private Lear jet. Kaiba was sitting by the window, typing on his laptop, while Mokuba was sitting next to him, listening to a portable CD player.

__

"Little does Yugi know that I have also been invited to this tournament," Kaiba thought to himself. _"I'm going to beat little Yugi and become King of Games!"_

Kaiba glared over at Mokuba, who was wearing large headphones.

"What kind of music are you listening to?" Kaiba asked. 

Mokuba, whose ears were completely covered by the headphones, didn't answer.

"I said, what kind of music is that?" Kaiba yelled. Mokuba still didn't hear him. Kaiba angrily ripped the headphones from Mokuba's ears.

"Hey, Seto!" Mokuba shouted indignantly. "I was listening to that!"

"What is it?" Kaiba asked.

"It's Eminem!" Mokuba said. "He's cool! Not as cool as you though, big brother! Although if you did the stuff Eminem did, you'd be cooler..."

Kaiba put on the headphones. A frown crossed his face. He took off the headphones and held them in his hand.

"I really don't think I'd be cooler if I went out to the club and... f'ed some b's," Kaiba said. "Mokuba, you really don't need to be listening to this kind of music. Never before have I heard such gratuitous use of the F-bomb."

"You used it a whole lot when you lost to Yugi," Mokuba stated. "As soon as you walked through the door, you yelled 'FU-'"

Kaiba put his hand over Mokuba's mouth.

  
"That's different," Kaiba said. "When Eminem loses to Yugi, he can use that word. Until then, he can't, and I don't want you hearing it."

Kaiba picked up Mokuba's CD player and put it in the overhead luggage compartment, where Mokuba couldn't reach it.

"Where's your Kidz Bop CD?" Kaiba asked. "You love that."

"Yeah, but did you hear what they did to Eminem's song?" Mokuba asked. "It's only twenty seconds of the kids saying 'Slim Shady' over and over!"  


"Slim Shady, Slim Shady, Slim Shady, Slim Shady, Slim Shady," Kaiba sang, closing his eyes and rocking his head back and forth. "I love that song."  


Kaiba took the CD out of the overhead compartment and took out the Eminem CD, snapping it in half. He reached into Mokuba's CD case and took out the Kidz Bop CD, putting it into the CD player and pressing 'Play'. Mokuba leaned back into his seat and sighed in defeat.

---

A few hours later, the plane that Yugi and his friends were in made a safe landing at San Francisco's airport. Yugi and the others stepped out into the lobby.

"We're here!" Tea said gleefully. "America!"

"This is going to be really cool!" Yugi said. "Just think! A new Duel Monsters tournament!"

"And American babes!" Yugi's grandpa said. "Uh... yeah."

"Yoo-hoo!" yelled a female voice from across the room. "Over here! Joey, I know that's you!"

Joey turned around to see Mai running toward him. He smiled and held out his arms.

  
"Mai!" Joey said happily. Mai ran into Joey's arms and gave him a big hug.

"Guess who got invited to the tournament?" Mai asked. "Guess! Guess!"  


"Uh... I did!" Joey said, pointing at himself. Mai growled and slapped Joey across the face.  
  
"No, Wheeler, I did!" Mai shouted. "I just might be facing you."

"Oh, hello Mai!" Yugi said, smiling at her. "Are you excited about this tournament?"  


"Of course! But I don't know what Battlebots are," Mai said. "Why would the Battlebots people hold a Duel Monsters tournament?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out," Joey said. "It's got me stumped!"

"Well, we're just here to watch," Tristan said, indicating Tea, Serenity, and himself. "I'd enter, but I didn't get invited. Apparently, I'm not good enough."

"Of course you're good," Serenity said, smiling. "But the tournament people just thought that Yugi and my big brother were better. But maybe you'll get into the next tournament!"

"I wanted to get into this one," Tristan said. "I like Battlebots. Oh well, at least you're here! You can keep me company, right?"

"You'd better protect my sister," Joey said. "If anything happens to her..."

"Look, guys, I think that guy is trying to signal us!" Tea shouted, pointing to a neatly dressed man who was holding up a sign. On the sign were the names of Yugi Moto, Joey Wheeler, and Mai Valentine.

"We'd better see what he wants," Mai said. Yugi, Joey, Mai, and the others walked up to the man.

"You three must be here for the Battlebots Expansion Promotional Invitational Dueling Competition," the man said.

"Uh yeah," Joey said, scratching his head. "We're here for that."

"Good!" the man said, smiling. "I'm here to take you and your friends to Treasure Island."

"We can't see the city first?" Yugi asked in a disappointed tone.

"No, and you really don't want to," the man said. "San Francisco is an expensive city. It costs five dollars a second just to look at it."

The man held up seven blindfolds in all different colors of the rainbow.

"I'll take you to the city. Put these on so you don't have to pay the toll," the man said. "Unless you guys have as much money as Seto Kaiba."

"Aw man, that sucks," Joey said, putting on a red blindfold. 

"Wait a second..." Yugi said. "Kaiba's here?"

  
"That's right, Mr. Moto," the man said. "He's rich! He gave me a thousand dollar tip!"

"I see," Yugi said, putting on his blindfold. _"I bet Kaiba wants to duel me... wait, I know he wants to duel me!"_

Yugi smiled. The man helped the blindfolded duelists and their friends into a waiting taxi. The man closed the doors, and the taxi sped off toward Treasure Island.

---

Yugi and the others took off their blindfolds and looked up at the huge building in front of them. The building appeared to be a large warehouse that had been painted with all kinds of monsters from the Duel Monsters game, including a beautiful mural that featured the Dark Magician, the Dark Magician Girl, and the Blue Eyes White Dragon.

"Wow, this place is huge!" Joey said. "I wonder if the rest of the city is like this!"

"Joey, don't look at the city!" Mai shouted. But it was too late. Joey looked across the bay at the city of San Francisco.

"Oh no!" Joey yelled, turning his head back to face the warehouse. "Now I'm gonna turn into a pillar of salt!"

"That's from the Bible, Joey," Tea grumbled. A police officer walked up to Joey and handed him a ticket.

"You saw the city for four seconds," the cop said. "That'll be twenty bucks."  


"That's no fair..." Joey muttered. "I haven't even gotten my currency changed yet!"

"Oh," the cop said. "Then that'll be 50,000 yen."

  
"That's all I have!" Joey said sadly. "Oh no..."

  
Joey handed the officer 50,000 yen. The officer smiled and walked away.

"Joey, twenty dollars is only about 3,000 yen," Yugi said. "You got conned..."

"Oh crap!" Joey shouted angrily. The huge doors to the warehouse opened, and another nicely dressed man greeted the duelists and their friends as they stepped inside.

"Should we keep facing forward?" Joey whispered to Mai.

  
"No, Wheeler, we're inside now," Mai whispered back. "You can look around now."

Yugi, Joey, Mai, Yugi's grandpa, Tea, Tristan, and Serenity continued to walk inside the warehouse. The warehouse was completely empty, consisting of white, metallic walls and a cold cement floor. Banners with the names and pictures of past Battlebots champions were hanging from the ceiling.

"Wow, it's Son of Whyachi!" Tristan shouted, pointing to one of the banners. "That's a cool Battlebot. It can beat anyone!"

"Actually, it's lost two matches," Serenity said.

"You watch Battlebots?" Tristan asked. 

"Well, I've only seen two matches," Serenity said. "The one where Son of Whyachi fought some weird gray circle with a blade in the middle, and another one where Son of Whyachi fought this bot that kept trying to hit it with a spike."

"Swirlee and No Apologies," Yugi's grandpa said. "I remember those episodes. Hey Tristan, do you think Carmen Electra is hot?"

"No," Tristan said. "I like Serenity!"  


Serenity blushed. The duelists and their friends continued to follow the man until they saw a large crowd of people, gathered over by the far wall, on which there was a large, black door. The man that had been accompanying Yugi and the others pushed through the crowd, standing in front of them and facing them all. He took out a microphone and held it to his mouth.

"I wonder what he's gonna say?" Mai said, watching the man.

  
"Wow, there's so many people here..." Yugi said, looking around. "I don't see Kaiba anywhere..."

"Attention, duelists!" the man shouted, trying to get the crowd's attention. "Over here!"

  
The crowd quieted down. The man began to speak again.

"My name is Bill Dwyer!" the man shouted. "I'm one of the Battlebots announcers, and I am also the master of ceremonies for this tournament!"  


"Oooh, I know him!" Yugi's grandpa said. "I wish Carmen Electra was the master of ceremonies... she can master my ceremonies ANY day!"

"Grandpa?" Yugi said, turning to face his grandpa. "What did you say?"

  
"Nothing, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa said. "Now listen to the nice man!"

"Welcome to the Duel Monsters Battlebots Expansion Promotional Invitational Dueling Competition!" Bill Dwyer said. "This tournament will not only crown a new King of Games, it will be used to promote the new Battlebots Expansion of the Duel Monsters Trading Card Game!"

"Battlebots expansion?" Joey said in bewilderment. "Eh?"

"You will not be using your regular cards in this tournament! Instead, you will be using a pre-made deck of 60 cards from the new Battlebots Expansion!" Bill Dwyer said. The crowd gasped in disbelief.

  
"I can't use my grandpa's deck?" Yugi asked. "Oh no!"

"That's terrible, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa said. "But, uh... if you give me any cards with Carmen Electra's picture on them, I'll forgive you."

"The rules of this tournament are simple! Well, kind of, anyway. Each duelist, along with his deck, will receive two Nuts!"

  
Bill Dwyer held up two small metal nuts (the hardware kind) in his hand.

"You wager these Nuts in your matches," Dwyer said. "Once you accumulate twelve of these, go to the large Battle Tower in the middle of the Battle Zone. The first eight duelists that reach the tower with twelve of these Nuts will be qualified for the final rounds."

"This sounds a lot like Duelist Kingdom," Yugi said. 

"Hey Yug, you won that one, didn't ya?" Joey said. "Maybe you'll win this one! Remember how you beat me and won the whole thing? That was great!"

A large grin was on Joey's face.

"Uh, Joey, that's a bad thing that Yugi beat you," Mai said.

"Oh yeah!" Joey said. He turned to Yugi. "You're going down, this time!"

"But I thought we were friends..." Yugi said. Tears began to appear in his eyes.

"Oh yeah!" Joey said. "Uh... good luck, Yug!"

Yugi smiled. Attendants wearing Battlebots uniforms went through the crowd and handed a deck to all of the duelists.

"Friends of duelists may either accompany the duelists into the Battle Zone, or stay out here where activities will be provided for you," Dwyer said. "The first activity is an autograph session with Carmen Electra!"

"Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" Yugi's grandpa said eagerly. "I wanna do that!"

  
"Well, I'm going in with Yugi and Joey," Tristan said. "Serenity, are you coming?"

"Of course I am!" Serenity said. "I have to cheer on my big brother!"

  
"And I'm going with Yugi too!" Tea said. "Friends have to stick together! Because that's what friends do! They stick together through thick and thin, no matter what. Friendship is the most powerful force in the universe!"

The large door behind Bill Dwyer opened. 

"Let's go!" Yugi shouted. The huge crowd of people ran through the door, into the Battle Zone, leaving the people that wanted to stay behind inside the warehouse.

---

The Battle Zone was a large, futuristic-looking city with many tall buildings. Large glass boxes were scattered throughout the city, towering above most of the small houses.

"Those must be the Battleboxes!" Tristan said. "I bet we'll be dueling inside of those!"

"Well, guys, I'm going to go off on my own," Mai said, winking at Yugi, Tea, Joey, Tristan, and Serenity.   
  
"But why, Mai?" Joey asked. "Stay with us! I mean, you might get into trouble! Remember, you've been attacked by Panik, Jean Claude Magnum, Malik...."

"So?" Mai said. "I like danger. It excites me!"

Mai ran off.

  
"Can I go with you?" Joey yelled to her.

  
"No!" Mai yelled back as she ran. "I'll be fine!"

Mai ran off down the street and turned the corner.

"She's gone," Joey sighed, looking down at the ground. "Aw man..."

"I think that maybe Tea and I should go off by ourselves too," Yugi said. "Joey, you stay with Tristan and Serenity, okay?"

"But why, Yugi?" Tristan yelled. "Don't you want to stay with us?"  


"I'm going off to look for Kaiba!" Yugi shouted. "I'd just slow you guys down!"

Yugi and Tea ran off and turned another corner, going out of Joey's sight.

"Well, this just sucks," Joey said.

  
"Can Serenity and I leave too?" Tristan asked.

"No," Joey said.

---

Yugi sat down against a large, tall building and began thumbing through his new deck.

"What'cha doin', Yugi?" Tea asked, sitting down next to Yugi.

"I'm just seeing what cards I got," Yugi said. "Hmmm... these are all really weird cards... it'll take me some time to get used to this new deck..."

"It'll take everyone else time too, don't worry!" Tea said reassuringly. "Don't worry, Yugi!"

"Well, okay, Tea," Yugi said. He stood up. "Look at this card..."

Yugi held it up in front of Tea so that she could see it. 

"Son of Whyachi," Tea said softly, reading the card. "Attack Power: 3600. Defense Power: 1800."

"It's attack is very high, but its defense is mediocre," Yugi said. "I'll have to be careful when I use it."

"You only have to sacrifice two monsters to use it, though! That's really good!" Tea said.

  
"I know," Yugi replied. "Maybe I should get into a duel to see how good these new cards are..."

"That's just what I was thinking!" 

Yugi and Tea stood up to see who had yelled at them. Just then, a teenaged boy walked around from behind the building and sauntered up to Yugi and Tea. The boy was slightly fat, and he wore an extra-large light green t-shirt with blue jeans. He had curly black hair and a large pair of glasses.

"And who might you be?" Yugi asked. 

"My name is Barnaby, and I'm a huge Battlebots fan!" the boy shouted. "I've always wanted to drive a Battlebot, but I'm too lazy to build one! So this new Battlebots expansion gives me the chance to test my skills in the Battlebox!"

"Not really," Tea said. "Building a Battlebot is a lot different than playing with cards!"

"Shut up!" Barnaby yelled. Yugi gasped.

  
"You told Tea to shut up!" Yugi yelled angrily. "I won't allow that! YU-GI-OH!"  


Yugi's Millenium Puzzle began to glow. In a flash, Yugi had transformed into the King of Games himself, Yami Yugi.

  
"I'm going to beat you, because I AM THE GAME-AH, AND I AM THAT DAMN GOOD!" Yami Yugi shouted. "It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d...."

"Yugi, are you okay?" Tea asked.

"D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Oh, I just love saying that. I think I'll say it again! It's time to-"

  
"Can we hurry this up already?" Barnaby asked. "I don't have all day, you know."

"Fine," Yami Yugi said. He pointed at a large Battlebox that was set up nearby. "Let's duel!"

Yami Yugi, Tea, and Barnaby walked over to the Battlebox. Two battle platforms had been set up on either side of it. Yami Yugi climbed up into one, while Barnaby climbed into the other.

"Alright!" Barnaby shouted. "I'm going to bid one of my Nuts on this match!"

  
"It only takes one nut to bid one Nut," Yami Yugi said. "A real man who has two nuts would BID two Nuts! Unless you have NO nuts, that is."

"Okay, fine!" Barnaby said, clearly intimidated by Yami Yugi's coolness. "I'll bid two nuts."

Barnaby and Yami Yugi both put their two nuts into the small slots on their battle platforms. They set their decks down in front of them and began to draw.

"The box is locked, the lights are on, it's time to duel!" Tea shouted. "Wow, that sounded really neat! I think I'll say that before all of Yugi's matches! Yay!"

---

Well, that's the end of chapter one! Next time on Bot-Gi-Oh, it's Yugi vs. Barnaby! Also, a BUNCH of people meet old nemesises! Or is that nemisii? Either way, it'll be a truly exciting episode! Please read and review! 


	2. A Dumb Name, And A Dumber Duelist

DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

---

Reviews:  


The Review Guy: Thanks for reviewing! Hee, I think Yugi's grandpa will be okay... but Carmen Electra may not be... ^_^

Super Hurricane: Don't worry, when Yugi plays Son of Whyachi, it will be spinning! And there are a bunch of magic and trap cards, I know! They'll be funny too... and some that Yugi's grandpa may like! And I forgot Joey was born in America. Uh... he forgot too! ^_^ 

NessacusGirl: *hugs and kisses* Thank you for reviewing, Gabby! Hee, Yugi's grandpa is a perv... most old men usually are. ^_^ 1 dollar is about 120 yen! I think! Yup, Tristan likes Serenity! That is very cute! Hee, poor Barnaby and his funny name... I don't know if I'm gonna have Yugi beat him! (Of COURSE I will. ^_^) Anyway, thank you!

---

Yami Yugi and Barnaby drew their first five cards. Barnaby looked at his cards and began laughing.

"What's so funny?" Yami Yugi asked.

"These are really good cards!" Barnaby laughed. "Oh man, I love these cards!"

"Then why don't you marry them?" Tea quipped.

"Well, I guess I could, but I like my whole hand, so if I married all these cards, it would be polygamy," Barnaby said. "But man, these are great cards!"

"We'll see," Yami Yugi said coldly. He drew a card, then took one of the cards from his hand. "I'll lay this one face down..."

  
Yami Yugi did just that. Then, he took another card.

  
"And I'll play this Battlebot face up, in attack mode!" Yami Yugi shouted. He played the card on the table. It was Wee Willie Wedgie (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1200), a large metallic wedge Battlebot with a pair of underwear stretched out over the frame of the bot. "Your turn, Barnaby!"

"You played Wee Willie Wedgie?" Barnaby yelled. "Well then, Yugi, I'll play the Battlebot that eliminated Wee Willie Wedge from Season 5! Little Drummer Boy! In attack mode!"

Barnaby laid down Little Drummer Boy (ATK: 1800/DEF: 1350) on the table, face up. It was a large rectangular bot with a spinning drum on the front of its frame.

"Since I can't attack first turn, I'll end my turn now," Barnaby said. "But next turn, it looks like your pathetic Bot will get caught with its pants down!"

Yami Yugi smirked.

"I could have seen that joke from a mile away," Yami Yugi said coldly. He drew a card and looked at it. "Hmmm... well, this is interesting. I'll play it now!"

Yami Yugi played a card down on the table, next to Wee Willie Wedgie. Barnaby looked at it.

"It's the Lifting Arm card!" Yami Yugi shouted. "It increases the attack power of any Wedge type monster by 500 attack points!" (Wee Willie Wedgie: ATK: 1900/DEF: 1200) "Now to declare my attack!"

Wee Willie Wedgie drove over to Little Drummer Boy and used its new lifting arm to flip Little Drummer Boy onto its back The bot disappeared, and Barnaby's life points fell by 100 to 3900. Barnaby simply chuckled.

"Yay, Yugi!" Tea cheered. "But... why does Barnaby look so calm and collected?"

"And now, I'll play this last card face down," Yami Yugi said. "My turn is now over."

Barnaby began laughing.

"Oh, Yugi, you have made your ultimate mistake!" Barnaby shouted. He drew a card, then took two cards from his hand and held them up. "Between seasons, Battlebots are repaired and improved for the next tournament! While a bot may be destroyed in a match, next season they're fixed up and ready to go!"

Barnaby played a card down on the table. 

"It's a magic card called Off-Season Repairs!" Barnaby shouted. "Similar to Reborn the Monster, it allows me to take one monster from my Scrap Heap and play it in the field!"

Barnaby held up another card.

"And this is Off-Season Remodeling!" Barnaby shouted. "This, when played with Off-Season Repairs, allows me to increase my Bot's Attack by 500 attack points and my defense by 250 points! So...."

Barnaby played both cards, causing Little Drummer Boy (ATK: 2300/DEF: 1600) to reappear in the field. Yami Yugi gasped.

"And I'll also play this Bot, in Defense mode!" Barnaby shouted. He played another card to the field. "This is Cereal Box Killer (ATK: 1000/DEF: 1100)!" 

__

"Interesting," Yami Yugi thought to himself. _"But will he make the right move?"_

"Now, you have two cards face down," Barnaby said. "They might be Trap cards! So I'm going to pass my turn!"

Yami Yugi smiled.

"Well, Barnaby, that was a mistake," Yami Yugi said.

"Eh?" Barnaby squeaked out.

"You see, one of these is a Bot card," Yami Yugi said. "And another of these IS a Trap, but... it wouldn't affect Little Drummer Boy."

"Yugi, what are you doing?" Tea asked.

Yami Yugi drew a card. He smiled.

"And this is just the card I need!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Now, I'll scrap Wee Willie Wedgie and my face-down Bot!"

The two cards disappeared. 

"And I'll play... Son Of Whyachi!"

Yami Yugi slammed the card down onto the table. Son of Whyachi (ATK: 3600/DEF: 1800) appeared. Barnaby gasped.

"Oh.... OH NO!" Barnaby screamed in terror.

"Oh, yes!" Yami Yugi said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Barnaby screamed. He began crying.

"What's wrong?" Tea asked. "You don't need to be scared of Yugi!"

"It's not that!" Barnaby sobbed. "Son of Whyachi is so cool! I wanted it!"

  
Tea and Yami Yugi both facefaulted.

  
"Well, it's mine," Yami Yugi said, standing up. "And now for my attack! Son of Whyachi, attack Little Drummer Boy!"

  
The huge Battlebot began to spin its immense hammers, inching slowly toward Little Drummer Boy. Suddenly, Barnaby smiled again.

"Ah, ah, ah!" Barnaby shouted. He pointed to his face down card. "You forgot about my trap!"

Barnaby's face down card flipped over to reveal the picture of a large, metallic hammer. Yami Yugi gasped.

  
"The Pulverizer!" Yami Yugi yelled.

*cue flashback scene*

---

__

A few months ago, Yugi's grandpa had been sitting at the TV, watching Battlebots. He was laughing.

"Hey, Yugi, you gotta come see this!" Yugi's grandpa yelled. "Hurry!"

Yugi ran into the room.

"What is it?" Yugi asked.

  
"Look!" Yugi's grandpa shouted. On the screen was a large wedge with a big lifting bar, pushing around a bot that bore an uncanny resemblance to one of the old Crash Test Dummies. The dummy bot was being pushed under a large, metallic hammer.

  
"What is this?" Yugi asked in a confused tone. "That poor crash test dummy is getting destroyed!"

The hammer slammed up and down, bashing the head of the Crash Test Dummy bot.

  
"It's like the killing of Rasputin!" one of the announcers shouted.

"That's the Pulverizer, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa shouted. "Isn't it great? Not as great as Traci Bingham's breasts, but..."

---

"The Pulverizer card lets me roll a 6-sided die!" Barnaby said. "The card lowers the Attack power of an attacking Bot by 500 points times whatever it shows on the die! If I roll a three or higher, Son of Whyachi gets destroyed!"

"Oh no!" Tea screamed. "Yugi, this is bad!"

__

"If he rolls a high number, I stand to lose a lot of Life Points!" Yami Yugi thought. _"I shouldn't have been so foolish!"_

Barnaby rolled the die. It bounced on the field until it finally stopped, landing on a 2.

"Crap!" Barnaby shouted angrily. "It only reduces Son of Whyachi's attack power by 1000 points, to 2600! Still, that means it'll only do 300 damage to me!"

The Pulverizer dropped onto Son of Whyachi twice. Son of Whyachi spun into Little Drummer Boy, slamming into the bot and ripping it to pieces. 

"After the attack, Son of Whyachi's life points go back up to 3600," Yami Yugi said. "Now it's your turn, Barnaby!"

Barnaby drew his card. He smiled again.

"I'm only down by 400 life points, and I have so many plans brewing!" Barnaby said to himself. "And I know more about Battlebots than Yugi ever will!"

****

Yugi: 4000/Barnaby: 3600

---

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Battle Zone...

"This is a beautiful day!" Mai said, walking down the street and whistling a tune to herself. "I'm going to win this whole tournament! I've got no worries!"

But unbeknownst to Mai, a gang of three Rare Hunters were lurking on the rooftop of a nearby building. A large anvil was next to them.

"Look!" one of the Rare Hunters shouted. He pointed down at Mai. "An unsuspecting female duelist! And she's hot, too!"

"Let's steal her cards!" another Rare Hunter said.

  
"Can we steal her virginity too?" another Rare Hunter asked. The other two Rare Hunters gave him weird looks.

"I guess so," the first Rare Hunter said. "Let's drop this anvil on her head and knock her out!"

  
The Rare Hunters began pushing the anvil off of the roof. It finally fell off, plummeting toward Mai. The Rare Hunters began slapping high-fives amongst themselves.

"Doot de doo," Mai sang, walking down the street. "Doo..."

  
Just then, the large anvil smashed into the ground, right in front of her. She gasped.

  
"An anvil!" Mai shouted. "Oh no!"

"Poopie," the first Rare Hunter said. "It missed!"

  
"What do we do now?" another Rare Hunter said.

"I kill myself!" the third Rare Hunter shouted. He pulled out a knife. The other two Rare Hunters quickly grabbed him and yanked the knife from his hands.

"Uh, that wasn't what I had in mind," the first Rare Hunter said.   


"What's going on?" Mai yelled from below. She looked up to see the three Rare Hunters on the roof. "Aaaah!"

"Oh crap! She saw us!" the second Rare Hunter yelled. "Run!"

The three Rare Hunters leapt off the roof and ran past Mai. 

"Couldn't they have just overpowered me?" Mai said to herself. "I mean, there's three of them, and one of me... oh well, no skin off my nose. I need to find an opponent, quick! I wonder where Wheeler is..."

---

Meanwhile, back at the battle between Yugi and Barnaby...

"Oooh, I like these cards," Barnaby said, looking at his hand. "Especially this one!"

Barnaby held up a card.

  
"First, I'll scrap Cereal Box Killer!" Barnaby shouted. The card disappeared. "And now, I'll summon this Bot! Come forth, Frenzy! In Defense Mode!"  


Barnaby laid down the card. Frenzy (ATK: 2500/DEF: 2000) was a large yellow bot with a narrow hammer attached to the center. The hammer could swing up and down, slamming into opposing Bots. 

"And now," Barnaby said, holding up another card, "I'll-"  


"You lose," Yami Yugi said casually.

  
"What?" Barnaby shouted in disbelief. "How-"

Yami Yugi flipped over his other face down trap card. The card portrayed Carmen Electra, who appeared to be gasping in disbelief.

"It's called 'Wow, What A Bot!'," Yami Yugi shouted, "and it activates whenever my opponent plays a card with an attack power of 2500 or more! It allows my bot to get a free attack by going around your bot and targeting one of your other bots! But since you have no other bots, I get to attack you directly!"

"NOOOOOO!" Barnaby screamed. "I wanted that card too..."

A hologram of Carmen Electra appeared next to Frenzy. She bent down and looked at the bot. Son of Whyachi drove around them and slammed into Barnaby's life points, causing them to plummet all the way down to 0.

****

Yugi: 4000/Barnaby: 0

"Yay! Yugi, you did it!" Tea squealed happily.

"Yes, I did," Yami Yugi said. Barnaby began to cry.

"But... but... that's no fair!" Barnaby yelled. "I'm the biggest Battlebots fan in the world! I can't lose already! No, no, NOOOO!"

Barnaby picked up his cards and ran away. Yami Yugi took both of his Nuts along with Barnaby's.

"Tea, look!" Yami Yugi said. "I have four Nuts!"  
  
"Wow, Yugi, your Nuts look really neat!" Tea said. "Yugi, you're already a third of the way to the Finals! All you have to do is grab eight more Nuts!"  


"And that's what I'm going to do," Yami Yugi said. He detransformed into Yugi. "Now let's-"

"Not if I get your Nuts first, Yugi," yelled a voice from one of the nearby rooftops. Seto Kaiba leapt down from the rooftop and landed next to Yugi.

  
"Kaiba!" Yugi shouted. "How did you get here?"  
  
"I entered the tournament, idiot," Kaiba said. "Yugi, you're going to face me in a match right now!"  


"I really don't want to, Kaiba," Yugi said. "Not right now!"

"Why not?" Kaiba asked.

  
"Well, you only have two Nuts, and if I fought you and got your Nuts, you wouldn't have any left!" Yugi shouted. "And then you'd be out already. And I want us to fight in the Finals! That would be cool!"  


"That's right!" Tea said. "So back off, Kaiba!"

"Oh, I get it," Kaiba said. "Yugi, you're just a coward. If you don't fight me right now, I'm going to throw a temper tantrum."

"Well, okay," Yugi said. "Tea, let's go!"  


"Okay, Yugi!" Tea replied. Yugi and Tea began to walk away.

"I mean it, Yugi," Kaiba said, getting down on one knee. "I'm going to kick and scream and cry until you duel me!"

Yugi and Tea continued to walk away.

"You see, Tea," Yugi said quietly, "the best way to avert a temper tantrum is to ignore it!"

"That's right, Yugi," Tea replied. "Kaiba only wants attention! Or maybe he wants friends! Friends are extremely important! Without friendship, the King of England could just march right up to you and start pushing you around!"

"Uh-huh," Yugi said. They continued to walk until they were out of Kaiba's sight.

"Duel me, Yugi!" Kaiba shouted. He flopped onto the ground and began screaming, crying, and flailing. "I WANNA DUEL! I WANNA DUEL! I WANNA-"

"Seto?" Mokuba said, standing a few feet away from his big brother. "Are you having a seizure?"  
  
Kaiba leapt to his feet and brushed himself off.

"Yes, Mokuba, I was having a seizure," Kaiba said. "Yugi made me have a seizure."

"Really?" Mokuba asked, slightly worried.

"He just walked up to me, and his eyes started flashing all red and stuff," Kaiba said. "It gave me an epileptic seizure."

"I'm really pissed off at Yugi!" Mokuba shouted angrily.

  
"Mokuba, where did you learn that kind of language?" Kaiba asked.

  
"Eminem taught me!" Mokuba said. "Kaiba, should I go kick Yugi in the nuts?"  


Kaiba smiled.

  
"Yes, Mokuba! Go and teach Yugi a lesson!" Kaiba shouted.

"And when I'm done, can I (expletive) Tea all night long?" Mokuba asked.

"Uh, sure...." Kaiba said. "Go get Yugi!" 

__

"If I EVER see Eminem...." Kaiba thought.

"Yay!" Mokuba shouted. "I'll get him for you, big brother!"

Mokuba ran off, cursing angrily. Kaiba put his head into his hands and began crying.

---

__

Elsewhere in the Battle Zone, Joey, Tristan, and Serenity had been observing an ongoing battle between Rex Raptor and a small boy who was barely tall enough to see over the field to duel.

****

Rex: 950/Sumao: 400

"This battle's good!" Joey said. "I'm gonna challenge the winner!"

"The kid's name is Sumao," Tristan said. "Hmm, that's a weird name."

"It's Japanese, stupid," Joey said. "Duh. We just CAME from there."

"Now Joey, be nice!" Serenity said. "If you duel that little kid, and you're mean to him, he might start crying!"

"Serenity's right," Tristan said. "Serenity is always right!"

  
Serenity giggled.

"Alright, kid, you're history!" Rex shouted. 

Two Battlebots, a large wedge, Voltronic (ATK: 2800/DEF: 3000) and a medium-sized thwackbot, T-Wrex (ATK: 2100/DEF: 1600) were on his side of the field, facing Sumao's lone bot, a wedge with a needle-tipped hammer called No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2700). Rex's bots were both in Attack Mode, while Sumao's bot was in Defense Mode. Voltronic had a Titanium Wedge card effect, giving it a boost of 600 Attack and Defense points.

"Voltronic, get him!" Rex shouted. Voltronic wheeled toward Sumao's bot.

"Idiot," the child said in a monotone voice. He overturned a card that he had placed face-down. "Anti-Whyachi Tool!"

A large piece of wire-mesh metal attached itself to the front of No Apologies' wedge.

"This increases No Apologies' Defense by 1000, to 3700!" Sumao shouted. "It only works for No Apologies! What a combo, huh?"

Rex gasped as Voltronic rode up over No Apologies' wire-mesh Anti-Whyachi Tool, unable to destroy the Bot. Rex's life points fell to 50.

"Now it's my turn," Sumao said. He drew a card. "Now, I'll play this Bot! Snowflake! In Attack mode!"

Snowflake (ATK: 400/DEF: 1000) appeared on the field.

"Snowflake, finish Rex off! Attack him directly!" Sumao yelled.

"Ah, Snowflake can attack directly," Tristan said. "I see..."  


"That kid's gonna beat Rex!" Joey said. Sure enough, Snowflake drove around Rex's bots and slammed into him, knocking out his remaining 50 Life Points.

"Beaten by a kid!" Rex sneered. "I don't believe this!"

Sumao smiled, taking both of Rex's Nuts that he had wagered.

"Well, I have four now!" Sumao said. "Alright!"  


Joey ran up to Sumao.

"Hey, congratulations, kid!" Joey said.

"Uh, thanks," Sumao said. "Wait, I know you! You're Joey Wheeler, right? Runner-up at Duelist Kingdom and semi-finalist at Battle City!"  


"Uh-huh!" Joey said, nodding his head. "I saw you battle out there, and man, you're tough! So, uh... do you wanna battle?"

"Right now?" Sumao asked. "I guess so..."

"Alright!" Joey said, pumping his fists. "I only have two Nuts, so we'll only wager two each, alright?"

"That means that even if I lose, I'm still in the tournament," Sumao said. "But if you lose..."

"I won't lose!" Joey said. "I'm gonna kick your butt!"

  
"Uh, Joey..." Serenity said, frowning. "Remember, be nice!"

"Yeah, sure," Joey said. "You and Tristan gonna watch our match?"  


"Of course we are!" Serenity said. "I'd do anything to see my big brother win!"  


__

"Oooh, anything?" Tristan thought. _"Heh..."_

---

Meanwhile, in a dark alley, Malik was having a meeting with the three Rare Hunters who had tried to hit Mai with the anvil earlier. After Battle City, Malik had promised to be good, but after an unpleasant incident at a court-ordered anger management session, well... he turned evil again, hiring new Rare Hunters from Mexico at cheap prices.   


"And that's what happened, Master Malik," said the first Rare Hunter. 

"Yeah, man, the anvil missed, essé!" said the second Rare Hunter.

"Don't use any Spanish, or I'll get sued for ripping off Eddie Guerrero," Malik said. "Oh yeah, and you guys are big fat failures! You make me sick! I spit on you!"

Malik spat on two of the Rare Hunters, turning both of them to stone instantly.

  
"Oops," Malik said. "I can't do that, either... that's ripping off Dabura."

"Uh, we didn't mean to miss!" said the third Rare Hunter. "Please give me another chance!"

"Alright," Malik said. "Bring Mai to me."

"Why?" the third Rare Hunter asked.

"Because it's always easy for me to beat Joey," Malik said. "He sucks. But the only way I can get him to duel me is if I use Mai to blackmail him."

"What about his sister?" the third Rare Hunter asked. 

"I'm not paying you to think," Malik said. "I'm paying you to shut up and listen to me. Oh, and steal people's cards. And beat people up."

"And rape people?" the third Rare Hunter asked.

"No," Malik said. "If you do that, I'll cut your pay 50 percent."

"No! Don't do that!" the Rare Hunter shouted.

"Then do your job and bring Mai to me," Malik said. "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

The Rare Hunter ran away, screaming loudly.

"I'm not paying you to scream, either," Malik said. He sighed. "Good help is so hard to find these days. Well, except in Mexico."

Malik sighed again.

---

And that's it for today's Bot-Gi-Oh! Next time, Mokuba confronts Yugi, the perverted Rare Hunter confronts Mai, and Joey duels a little kid! Oh, and Malik broods. Read and review!


	3. No Apologies For Joey

DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

---

Reviews:  


The Review Guy: Nah, it's not wrong! Mai's got to have a perverted rival... so Joey can help her! ^_^ And the thought of Mokuba cursing just made me laugh. Heh...

Magicman/Smokegirl: Alrighty, those suggestions do help! You'll probably see at least one or two of those bots... one of them in particular will have a pretty vital role in this story. Can ya guess which one?

---

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ugh, after writing the first two chapters of this story, I kind of, um... lost interest. ^_^;;; I put Bot-Gi-Oh on hiatus, but now, I'm ready to write again! School's got me in that mood, I guess... so, here you go! Sorry it took three months to write this chapter!

---

Mai stood in the middle of one of the city's streets. This particular street happened to be completely deserted.

"Ugh, I can't believe I haven't found a single person to duel yet!" Mai groaned in exasperation. "Is there anyone here?"

The perverted Rare Hunter sent by Malik walked onto the street and slowly crept up behind Mai. 

"Heh heh..." the Rare Hunter chuckled. "I'm gonna bring you to Master Malik..."

Just then, Mokuba ran up to Mai. As the Rare Hunter leaned over to grab her, Mai bent over to greet Mokuba. The Rare Hunter tripped and fell flat on his face, causing Mai to gasp and turn around.

"Who was that?" Mai shrieked. "And what are you doing here, Mokuba?"

"I'm looking for Yugi, ya dig?" Mokuba said. "I'm gonna **** him up!"

"Whoa, Mokuba, where did you learn that kind of language?" Mai asked him. 

"Eminem uses it all the time! He's the best!" Mokuba said, smiling.

"Ugh, Eminem is a pig," Mai replied. "Look, Mokuba, I don't know where Yugi is, okay? And you should wash out your mouth with soap."

  
"Hell no!" Mokuba shouted. "Don't you tell me what to do, beeyotch!"

Mai gasped.

  
"Mokuba, how dare you!" Mai shouted, offended by Mokuba's remark. "That does it, I challenge you to a duel!"

"But I don't have any cards...." Mokuba said, frowning.

"You seem to like Eminem so much, do what he would do! Go steal Kaiba's cards and his Nuts and bring them here so I can duel you. If I win, you have to stop using such foul language!" Mai shouted.

"I'd never steal my brother's cards! He's my homie, dawg!" Mokuba yelled. "Fine, I'll do it. But if I beat you... we're gonna do it!"

"WHAT?" Mai shrieked. "But you're just a kid! That's not right!"

"Not like that," Mokuba said. "If I beat you, we're gonna have a rap battle. Just like in 8 Mile!"

"Oh, well, that's not so bad," Mai said, smiling.

"On the big TV, in front of everyone!" Mokuba said eagerly. "You don't even have to give me your Nuts! Just a rap battle!"

Mai sighed.

"Fine, whatever, I'll beat you anyway," Mai said. "Now go get Kaiba's cards."

Mokuba ran off. Meanwhile, the Rare Hunter that had tried to grab Mai earlier stood up, groaning and moaning in pain. She turned around and looked at him.

"And who are you?" Mai asked. "You're just pathetic. I know what you were trying to do... and yes, I'll duel you."

"Wha?" the Rare Hunter said, standing up. "You, duel me? _I'm still supposed to capture her for Master Malik, and... heh heh, bow chicka wow wow... I guess that can wait. I've got the deck and the two Nuts that Malik gave me. If I can beat Mai, she'll be broken and weak and that'll be the best time to make my move! Mwahahaha!_"

The Rare Hunter stopped his train of thought, and immediately noticed a note taped to his face. He peeled off the note and read it. It read:

__

Dear Weirdo,  


You take too long to think. I'm going to go duel that kid Mokuba now. I'm not really interested in dueling your type anyway.

Big smooches,

Mai Valentine

"AAAAAAARGH! Haughty wench!" the Rare Hunter shouted in rage. "I'll get her! I'll take her back to Malik and she'll be sorry she messed with me! Viva la raza!"

---

****

Joey: 4000/Sumao: 4000

"You know the terms of this duel!" Sumao shouted. "So let's begin!"

"Alright!" Joey said, smiling. He looked at his opening hand. "Oh yeah, this is gonna be great!"

Joey laid a Battlebot card down on the field, in Attack Mode. It was Sallad (ATK: 1600/DEF: 1050).

"That's one of the most powerful bots you can play without having to scrap any," Sumao said. "Not bad..."

"I'll play this card face down and end my turn," Joey said, laying another card on the table face down. "Your turn, kid!"

"I really, really, really hope Joey wins!" Serenity said nervously. "If he doesn't, I'll have a stroke!"

"Can I have a stroke?" Tristan asked, looking down at Serenity's breasts.

  
"Tristan, what are you talking about?" Serenity asked him. Inside the Battlebox, Sumao played his first bot, ZiggZagg (ATK: 1000/DEF: 1400).

"It's in Attack Mode," Joey said, looking at the card. "I wonder why he did that?"

"Your turn, Joey," Sumao said. Joey drew a card and let out a squeal of glee.

  
"This is great!" Joey said. "I can't believe I got this card! Oh yeah!"

"Looks like someone has a lousy poker face," Sumao said, staring at Joey. "Stop celebrating and get back to the duel!"

"I'm playing this right now," Joey said, playing the card onto the field. "It's Lifty Flipper!"

"Lifty Flipper?" Sumao said, slightly puzzled. "Eh?"

"I play this on a bot with a lifting arm, like Sallad, and it turns it into a flipper arm! It makes Sallad's attack power go up by 500 points!" Joey said. "So that means that Sallad has 2100 attack points! And now, I'll have it attack you!"

Sallad wheeled over toward Sumao's side of the field, flipping ZiggZagg high into the air. Sumao's life points fell by 1100. Sumao smiled.

"That was your big card?" Sumao asked. "Now you'll get a taste of ZiggZagg's special power, and it's bad news for you. You see, the turn that I play ZiggZagg, if I play it in Attack Mode and then my opponent sends it to the junkyard, it inflicts 1000 points of direct damage plus half of the damage caused to my Life Points!"

"Eh?" Joey stammered. "I'm not too good at math...."

"Joey, you just lost 1550 Life Points!" Sumao shouted. "Even I know that."

****

Joey: 2450/Sumao: 2900

"OH GOD!" Serenity screamed, collapsing into Tristan's arms. Sumao smiled.

"And it's my turn," Sumao said, drawing a card. He smiled even bigger than he had before. "Uh oh. Looks like you're in trouble, Joey."

---

"Did you find Yugi?" Kaiba asked.

"Uh... yeah, I found him!" Mokuba lied. "But, uh... there's a problem."

"What's that?" Kaiba asked. "Did he touch you in a naughty place? I'll kill him! I'll kill the bastard! After I beat him in a duel, of course."

"Damn, chill out, dawg," Mokuba said. "You see, Yugi won't duel you until I beat him in a duel. So I need your deck and your Nuts."

"Wha?" Kaiba stammered. "No way. That coward! I'll find him, and I'll kill him! After I beat him in a duel, of course."

"Please, Kaiba?" Mokuba pleaded. "This is the easy way, big brother! Just let me borrow your deck and your two Nuts!"

"I have seven Nuts," Kaiba said. "I've already won four duels against pathetic opponents."

"Already?" Mokuba asked.

  
"Yes. I am the greatest duelist that ever lived," Kaiba said. "Fine, if Yugi wants to duel you, here. Take my deck and two of my Nuts. When you defeat him... and you better, return to me with Yugi so that I can crush his hopes and dreams! After I defeat him in a duel, of course."

"Okay, big brother! Thank you!" Mokuba shouted, running off.

"And don't use cuss words!" Kaiba yelled.

---

Back at the duel between Joey and Sumao...

"C'mon, Joey! You can do it!" Tristan shouted. "Serenity's fainted! _Wait, Serenity's fainted? Oooh, this could be a chance to make my move..._"

Slowly, Serenity rose to her feet.

"Serenity, I'm so glad you're alright!" Tristan said, relieved. _"Damn."_

"How's Joey doing, Tristan?" Serenity asked. "Oh, I hope he's okay..."

"I'm just fine, Serenity!" Joey shouted.

"You won't be," Sumao said. "I play this!"

Sumao played a card face down, then placed a Bot Builder (ATK: 500/DEF: 300) onto the field.

"Eh? A Bot Builder?" Joey said. "That card's weak!"

"Yet again, like a novice duelist, you read the Attack and the Defense ratings and not the Special Ability! Don't you know what Bot Builders can do? If I discard one and spend 300 Life Points, I can automatically play any Lightweight-class Battlebot onto the field in its place!"

"Wha?" Joey gasped.

  
"Observe!" Sumao shouted. "I play... Wacker! (ATK: 2200/DEF: 950)"

Sumao discarded the Bot Builder card and played Wacker onto the field. Wacker was a large bot with a spinning lawnmower blade in the front and a makeshift driver's seat, occupied by a stuffed bunny rabbit.

  
"Awww, that's cute!" Serenity said. "But it's fighting Joey, so it's bad! But it's soooooo cute!"

"Am I cute?" Tristan asked. Serenity giggled.

"Oh, Tristan, you're such a good friend," Serenity said happily.

"_The Friend Zone! Not again!" _Tristan thought.

"Now, seeing as any bot brought onto the field by Bot Builder can attack in the first turn... Wacker, attack!" Sumao shouted. The bot drove toward Sallad. Joey smiled.

"Activate trap card!" Joey shouted. He overturned his face-down card, revealing a Killsaw hazard card. A large, spinning saw rose up from under the floor, Wacker driving straight toward it. Sumao began to laugh.

"Activate my face-down card, Hazard Malfunction!" Sumao shouted. The killsaw began to spark and grind. It flew out of its slot in the floor and rolled toward Joey, slamming into his chest. Joey let out a loud yell as the incredibly realistic hologram killsaw disappeared. Wacker charged through Sallad, destroying it.

"You lose 500 Life Points from the hazard malfunction and 100 from the attack by my bot... you lose 600 Life Points!" 

****

Joey: 1850/Sumao: 2600

"This is terrible!" Serenity shouted. "Joey, you have to do something!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Joey yelled. "Oh man, what would Yugi do?"

---

*cue daydream sequence*

__

Mysterious Opponent: Mwahaha, Yugi! You're going to lose! And then, I'll beat up your grandpa, rape Tea, and FORECLOSE ON THE MORTGAGE! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Yugi: Oh yeah? I have the heart of the cards!

*shows Yugi slamming a card down onto the field from eight different angles*

Yugi: Heart of the cards, help me! Help me, heart of the cards!

*A giant, angry looking heart emerges from Yugi's card. It beats the crap out of Yugi's opponent. His life points go to 0.*

Mysterious Opponent: Noooooo! Damn you, heart of the cards! *dies*

  
Yugi: Oh, thank you, heart of the cards!

*end daydream sequence*

---

"Oh yeah!" Joey shouted. "Now I know what Yugi would do! I gotta believe!"

"That's from Parappa, you jerk," Sumao said.

"I gotta believe... in the heart of the cards!" Joey declared.

"Oh," Sumao said. "That's different."

"Heart of the cards, help me..." Joey said, closing his eyes and drawing a card. He looked at the card and opened his eyes. "D'oh! That's no good, it's just a stupid Bot Builder... and all I have are three stupid Bot Builders, I don't even have any Lightweights to play, just this stupid Heavyweight, and I have to scrap two Bots to even play it.. This sucks!"

"Hey, are you gonna do something, or what?" Sumao shouted. "I don't have all day, I've got Nuts to grab!"

"Hold your horses!" Joey shouted. "I'm playing these three Bot Builders. At least his dumb Special Ability also lets me play as many of these I want during a turn. So I will."

  
Joey played the three Bot Builders.

"ARE YOU DONE?" Sumao shouted.

"Hey, stop yelling at Joey!" Serenity yelled angrily. "He's a better big brother than you'll ever be!"

"I'm a spoiled only child," Sumao said. "So sue me."

Joey stared at his three Bot Builders, sighing.

"These three can't do anything except build dumb Lightweights," Joey said. "And the guy on them is ugly, too. So what if he won the Battlebots competition and got to be on the dumb card? Geez..."

Suddenly, Joey saw something on the cards. He gasped.

"If I scrap all three of these guys, I can lay a Heavyweight bot down for free!" Joey shouted. "Alright! I knew the heart of the cards could help me!"

"Actually, that was more like the brain of the cards," Sumao said.

"Cram it, kid!" Joey shouted, discarding all three of his Bot Builders and playing his Heavyweight-class bot face-up on the field in Attack Mode. When Sumao saw the bot Joey had played, he gasped.

"That's... that's..."

Joey had played The Matador (ATK: 2800/DEF: 2400), a large bot with a huge flipping arm on its front. The Matador wheeled toward Wacker. But just as The Matador was about to flip it over, Sumao played a card from his hand.

"Saved By The Bell!" Sumao shouted. "I pay 500 Life Points, but your turn ends, and Wacker stays on the field! Yes!"

"See, in Battlebots, that's when the buzzer sounds, ending a match," Tristan said, explaining the card to Serenity. 

"Tristan, I don't care about Battlebots, I just want Joey to win!" Serenity shouted. "C'mon, Joey!"

Sumao drew a card, then smiled.

"Well, well, well, this is interesting," Sumao said. "I think I've just won this match. I'll scrap Wacker and play two cards face-down, in Defense Mode!"

Sumao played both cards.

"Your turn, Joey," Sumao said, smirking. "I really hope you know what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing! I'm kicking your butt!" Joey shouted. "_Man, that sounded cool."_

****

Joey: 950/Sumao: 2100

---

Meanwhile...

"Mai, Mai, I got the cards!" Mokuba shouted, running over to Mai, who was standing next to the large Battlebox she had found for the duel.

"I see, Mokuba..." Mai said. "So, you remember our duel, right? If I beat you, you have to stop cussing."  
  
"And if I win, you've got to embarrass yourself by facing me in a rap battle in front of everyone!" Mokuba shouted. "So, how many Nuts will we be putting up?"

"Both of mine against both of yours," Mai said. "That's all Kaiba's got, right? You'd better win this."

Mokuba smirked.

__

"Heh, Kaiba would still have five Nuts even if I lost," Mokuba thought. _"But I can't let her know that."_

"Alright, Mai, mine against yours!" Mokuba shouted. "I'm gonna whoop your ass!"

"Mokuba, bad!" Mai shouted.

"Shut up and let's duel," Mokuba said.

---

****

Yugi: 3400/Kushima: 150

Yami Yugi stood across the Battlebox from a nervous and scared-looking teenage boy. Like Barnaby, he had come into the battle very cocky. Within two minutes, Yami had completely humbled him with his 1337 skillzors.

"Go Yugi!" Tea cheered.

"Prepare to lose!" Yami shouted, four very-powerful Bots in front of him. Dr. Inferno Jr. (ATK: 2300/DEF: 2100), Complete Control (ATK: 2500/DEF: 1750), Hexadecimator (ATK: 2600/DEF: 2300), and Atomic Wedgie (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2850), all faced Kushima's lone bot, Joe Mama (ATK: 750/DEF: 600).

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-your mama... is s-s-s-s-so fat, that when she sat on a qu-qu-qu-quarter, b-b-b-b-b-boogers came out of George W-W-W-W-W-Washington's nose!" Kushima shouted, extremely nervous. "Oh, you're gonna need some ice for that b-b-b-b-b-b-burn!" 

"Hey, I'm the only one that can do the stutter thing," Yami said. "And I already did it 5 times! Bots, attack him and finish off his life points!"

The four points charged Joe Mama and ripped it to shreds, utterly annihilating Kushima's life points. Kushima threw his two Nuts at Yami Yugi and ran off, screaming in terror.

"Hey, you forgot your cards!" Tea said, holding up Kushima's deck. 

"Oh well," Yami said. "He's gone already."

  
"You'd better return his cards," Tea said. "It's the friendly thing to do, and remember, friendship is important! A good friend would return Kushima's cards to him as soon as possible! It's important to be a good friend, Yugi!"

Little did Yugi and Tea know that a group of four fangirls, each of them wearing a wig that looked like Yami Yugi's hair and carrying Yugi plushies. 

"Did you see that?" the first fangirl whispered to the others. "Yugi's so cool! I want him to be my boyfriend so baaaaaaad! OMG OMG OMG!!!"

"Man, Tea is so stupid," the second fangirl said. "Her stupid friendship speeches are so gay!"

"Let's kiss Yugi and torture Tea!" the third fangirl shouted.

"Yeah! Tea torture! Tea torture! Tea torture!" the four fangirls chanted as Yugi and Tea went off to find Kushima. The fangirls began to follow them.

---

  
"Alright, Sumao, time to finish you off!" Joey said. "You might have more Life Points than me, but I have the big bad Matador, and soon, you're gonna get a direct shot to your Life Points! Right now!"

The Matador began to wheel toward Sumao's side of the field. Sumao laughed again.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Sumao yelled. "You'll be sorry you did that... but for me... No Apologies!"

Sumao flipped over his two cards. One was the deadly bot No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2700), and the other was the Anti-Whyachi Tool. No Apologies' Defense Points increased to 3700. The Matador slammed into it, getting caught in the Anti-Whyachi Tool and slowly wheeling back over to Joey's side. Joey's Life Points fell by 900.

****

Joey: 50/Sumao: 2100

"JOEY!!!" Serenity screamed. "No!"

Joey gasped.

"No Apologies... oh geez, I forgot about that thing!" Joey shouted.

"You know, that's exactly what happened to Rex," Sumao said, smiling. "And lookie here."

Sumao played Snowflake (ATK: 400/DEF: 1000) down onto the field. 

"Snowflake can directly attack your Life Points, and you know what that means!" Sumao shouted.

"Sorry, I already told you, I can't do math!" Joey yelled.

"You're screwed, Joey," Serenity said. "I mean.... NOOOOOO! JOEY'S SCREWED!!!"

---

Is Joey screwed? Will Mai beat Mokuba? What will happen when Yugi and Tea confront the crazed fangirls? And what plans do Malik and his Rare Hunters have for Mai??? Find out next time on the next exciting episode of Bot-Gi-Oh!!!


	4. The Obligatory Tea Torture Sequence

DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

---

****

Joey: 50/Sumao: 2100

"Oh crap, Snowflake is about to directly attack my Life Points!" Joey shouted in dismay. "And I can't stop it!"

"I'm about to defeat the number two ranked duelist in the world!" Sumao shouted. "That makes me number two!"

__

"Oooh, this kid and his dumb math equations... how can I beat him?" Joey thought. He looked down at his Matador card. "Wait, I've got it!"

Snowflake barreled down the field toward Joey. Suddenly, The Matador drove right at the tiny bot and flipped it skyward. Snowflake flew up, crashed through the ceiling of the Battlebox, and continued to soar until it entered into geosynchronous orbit. 

"Hey!" Sumao shouted. "Snowflake always attacks directly! Your bot can't-"

"You didn't see Matador's special ability!" Joey shouted. "And I almost didn't! At any time during each turn, both mine and yours, Matador can flip one of your Lightweight bots into the scrapyard... or in this case, into space. And you lose half of Snowflake's attack points as Life Points!"

****

Sumao: 1900

"Oh well, I still have 38 times more Life Points than you, Joey Wheeler," Sumao said. "And I still have No Apologies in Defense Mode! So do your worst!"

"With pleasure," Joey said, drawing a card. "Oh yeah! I play Herr Gerpunden (ATK: 1800/DEF: 1100) in Attack Mode!"

A small box with a large, metal hammer on the end appeared on Joey's side of the field and began spinning.

"Then, I'll put this face down and end my turn," Joey said. "Your move, jerk!"

"Go Joey!" Serenity shouted. "I knew he wasn't screwed!"

"Coulda fooled me..." Tristan muttered.

---

  
Meanwhile, Yugi and Tea had stopped at a small bistro to take a break from dueling. They sat outside at one of the small tables, eating their lunch.

"I already have six Nuts," Yugi said, taking a bite out of a large meatball sub. "I'm halfway to the Battlebot City finals!"

"It's not called Battlebot City," Tea said, pouring a modest amount of ranch dressing onto a Caesar salad. "It's called, uh... I forget. It should be Friendship City! That would be cool!"

"It would be!" Yugi said. "You know, you're my best friend, Tea."

  
"Really, Yugi?" Tea said, her eyes lighting up. "What about Yami? What does he think about me?"  


"I'm sure Yami likes you too!" Yugi said, smiling.

__

"No, I don't," Yami's voice boomed in Yugi's head.

__

"Yami, I was just-"

"Don't put words in my mouth, Yugi," Yami said. _"You should concentrate on fighting evil and winning this tournament."_

"Okay, Yami...."

"I love you, Yugi," boomed Yami's voice.

"Yoo-hoo, Yuuuuuuuugi...." Tea said, leaning over and waving her hand in front of Yugi's face. "You're just staring out into space..."

"Sorry, Tea," Yugi said. Suddenly, he let out a pained groan. "Urgh, this meatball sub isn't agreeing with me..."

__

"Kick its ass, Yugi! Challenge that meatball sub to a duel! Show that sub who's boss!" Yami's voice boomed.

"I'll just go to the bathroom..." Yugi said. "Be right back!"

  
Yugi ran off.

  
"Poor Yugi, he's got diarrhea..." Tea said. "Wait, that's kind of disgusting. I bet Yami never gets diarrhea..."

Suddenly, the four fangirls leapt out of a nearby bush and ran up to Tea.

"Who are you?" Tea shouted.

"I'm Mary Sue, and this is my gang of crazed fangirls!" the leader of the fangirls shouted. "Yugi's mine! And so is Yami!"

"I don't understand," Tea said.

  
"You don't need to understand anything where you're going!" the second fangirl said. The third fangirl took out a roll of duct tape.

"You're going on a one-way road to Tortureville!" the third fangirl shouted. "Mwahahaha!"

---

****

Mai: 4000/Mokuba: 4000

"You already know the rules, so let's duel!" Mokuba said. "Kaiba's cards are awesome!"

"Whatever," Mai said. "Make your first move."

"Okay! I play this!" Mokuba shouted, slamming a card down onto the field. "Das Bot, in Attack Mode!"

Das Bot (ATK: 1100/DEF: 1250) was a simple-looking bot with a small wedge on the front.

"And these two cards go face down," Mokuba said. "Okay, beeyotch! It's your turn!"

"I'm going to make you pay for disrespecting me," Mai said, playing a Battlebot card onto the field. "Meet Mecha Tentomushi (ATK: 1300/DEF: 800). She doesn't like you."

"A wimpy ladybug?" Mokuba said inquisitively, staring at the red, ladybug-shaped bot. "Pathetic!"

"It's got higher Attack Points than your dumb Das Bot," Mai said. "And next turn, it'll strike!"

"Yeah, but I bet you don't have the balls to attack," Mokuba said. "What with my two face-down cards and all! Ha!"

"You're as arrogant as your big brother," Mai said. "Are you gonna go, or what?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, hold your horses, dawg," Mokuba said, drawing a card. "Oooh, this'll be great! I play.... Carnage Raptor (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1000)!"

A white, cylindrical bot with two chains extending from each end of the cylinder appeared on the field and began spinning rapidly.

"And since your dumb ladybug will cream Das Bot, I won't attack... yet, anyway," Mokuba said. "Your move, dammit!"

__

"I can't wait to shut this kid up," Mai thought as she drew her next card. _"Interesting..."_

"Hurry up and move!" Mokuba shouted. "C'mon, I don't have all day! There's a big Eminem concert on TV in an hour!"

"I'll remember to beat you nice and slow then," Mai said. "I'll play this card! Burst Of Great Driving!"

Mai played the card down onto the field. Mecha Tentomushi began glowing.

"For one turn, I can double the attack or defense of one of my bots! And I choose Mecha Tentomushi!" Mai shouted. Mokuba gasped. Mecha Tentomushi's Attack Points swelled from 1300 to 2600. "Now, I'll use this! Diamond-Tipped Sawblades!"

The saw under Mecha Tentomushi began shimmering with a bright glow. Its attack points went from 2600 to 3600.

"NO WAY!" Mokuba shouted. "Dawg, that's wack!"

"I'll show you what's wack, g," Mai said. "Mecha Tentomushi, atta-"

Mai's eyes glanced to the two face-down cards on Mokuba's side of the field. Her eyes became glazed with fear.

__

"What if those are trap cards..." Mai thought. _"I can't risk attacking if there are trap cards... I'm paralyzed with fear!"_

Mai stopped moving and began shaking violently.

"Dawg, what's your deal?" Mokuba asked. "Hey!"

"T-t-t-t-t-t-trap cards...." Mai stammered.

"Guess you're done," Mokuba said. Mecha Tentomushi's Attack Points went back down to 1300. "Shame to waste those good cards, though. Oh well, now I'll waste you! Carnage Raptor, attack Mecha Tentomushi!"

Carnage Raptor spun into Tentomushi and beat it senseless with its chains. Tentomushi disappeared.

"Now, to reveal my two face-down cards.... first, I also have a Burst Of Excellent Driving! Das Bot's Attack Points go up to 2200!" 

Mai said nothing. Instead, she continued shaking.

"Geez, you're REALLY out of it, huh?" Mokuba said. "Oh well! I'll reveal my second face-down card! It's a Lifting Arm! That raises Das Bot's attack by 500 more Life Points, to 2700!"

Das Bot (ATK: 2700/DEF: 1250) began advancing toward Mai.

"Attack her fine, sexy ass directly!" Mokuba shouted. Das Bot slammed into Mai's Life Points at an incredibly fast speed. As it did, Mai snapped out of her fearful trance and gasped. Das Bot's attack points fell to 1600.

"Those weren't... trap cards?" Mai asked. "They were magic cards like mine? You tricked me!"

****

Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 4000

"Looks like you're in BIG trouble, Mai!" Mokuba shouted. "I still have two healthy bots, and you've got nothing! Ha!"

__

"What am I gonna do?" Mai thought.

---

"Okay, Tea, I'm back!" Yugi said. "Eh? Tea?"  


Tea was gone.

"Hey, where did Tea go?" Yugi shouted. "Tea! Tea!"

---

Meanwhile, at the nearby park, Tea was duct-taped to a tree.

"Let me GO!" Tea shouted, struggling to get free.

"No way!" Mary Sue squealed. "Not until we make you pay for making us have to listen to your dumb friendship speeches every episode!"

"I don't give friendship speeches EVERY episode! Only every other episode!" Tea yelled angrily. "And they're not dumb! You stupid girls better let me go, or-"

  
The third fangirl pressed a piece of tape over Tea's mouth.

"Or what? You'll DANCE us to death?" the third fangirl taunted her. "Hahahahaha!"

"Let's hit her with random blunt objects!" the fourth fangirl suggested. "Like this club with a nail on the end of it!"

"Mmmph!" Tea shouted, furiously shaking her head. _"I've got to escape! These girls are crazy! Oh, Yami... help me!"_

"Let's hit her with this 2x4!" Mary Sue said, holding up a large piece of wood. She bashed Tea over the head with it. "Yaaaaaaaaay!"

Tea began sobbing. 

"Tea? Tea?" Yugi shouted, running into the clearing. "Are you here?"

  
Upon seeing Tea taped to the tree, Yugi gasped.

"Tea!" Yugi shouted. Tea replied with a muffled shriek. The four fangirls gasped. Hearts appeared in their eyes.

  
"YUGI!" the four fangirls squealed at the same time. They all ran over to Yugi and huggle-tackle-snuggle-squish-glomped him.

"YUGI YUGI YUGI!" Mary Sue shrieked. "Oh, Yugi! I love you and I want to bear your children! All thirty of them!"

"Yuuuuuuuuuuuugi!" the second fangirl shrieked. "We finally dealt with that annoying Tea! You won't have to listen to her annoying friendship speeches ever again!"

"Mmmph! Hmmm mmm mmmph!" Tea shouted. "Mmmph hmmmph mmm mmm mmmph hmmmmmmph mmmmph! (Translation: Yugi, don't listen to them! They're a bunch of crazy evil fangirls who spend all their time on the internet writing horrible and annoying fanfiction, and they don't have any friends! That's why they're so evil! Friendship is really, really important! Yugi, save me, please! I'm your best friend! You have to save your friend! Because-)

Mary Sue bashed Tea on the head with the 2x4 again. 

"Geez, even when you're gagged, your dumb friendship speeches are annoying," Mary Sue said angrily. Yugi gasped.

"HOW DARE YOU HURT TEA!" Yugi shouted in disgust. "I.... won't let you... GET AWAY... with this!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Yugi began glowing. Electricity began to flow and crackle around him. The four fangirls gasped.

  
"OMG OMG!" the fourth fangirl squealed. "He's gonna go Super Saiyan! Like sexy Mirai Trunks!"

"Oh my God, Mirai Trunks is awesome!" Mary Sue yelled. "Do it, Yugi!"

---

Meanwhile, in Malik's evil warehouse stronghold...

"I sense a disturbance in the Force..." Malik said, noticing Yugi's power surge. "Yugi is getting stronger..."

"Master Malik!" the perverted Rare Hunter yelled, running into the warehouse. "Sir, I couldn't capture Mai, but-"

"Do you feel that?" Malik asked, turning toward the Rare Hunter. "That is true power. I WANT that power."

"Sir, can I just try to capture Mai again?" the Rare Hunter asked. "Because-"

"Go," Malik said. "I have a different plan for gaining THIS power. Man, that is some power... It's giving me a huge bo-"

---

"That power feels like Yugi!" Kaiba shouted, looking up toward the sky. "Yugi, I have power too! I can go Super Saiyan! Just watch!"

  
Kaiba started yelling loudly. Nothing happened.

"Yes! I can feel it!" Kaiba shouted. "I'm a Super Saiyan!"

"No, you're not," said a small boy that had just walked up to Kaiba. "Mr. Kaiba, can we duel?"

"I will be a Super Saiyan!" Kaiba shouted at the boy. "DO YOU HEAR ME? YUGI WILL FEEL MY WRATH!"

"Sure he will," the boy said. "Hey, where's your deck?"  
  
"Mokuba has it," Kaiba said. "I don't need a deck to beat you! I'm a Super Saiyan!"

---

Meanwhile, on King Kai's planet...

"Yugi, no!" King Kai shouted. "You can't battle Mary Sue! Her powers are truly terrible! You must leave San Francisco as soon as possible, Yugi! Even if you're a Super Saiyan, you can't win! Stop, Yugi!!!"

---

"Yu....Gi...Oh!!!" Yugi shouted. He transformed into Yami Yugi, and pointed at Mary Sue. "Even though I'm Yami Yugi and I don't really like Tea, you will still pay for hurting her!"

"You're not a Super Saiyan?" Mary Sue asked, slightly disappointed. "Oh well, you're Yami, and that's just as cool! I love you, Yami Yugi!"

"I challenge you to a duel! If I win, you have to let Tea go!" Yami Yugi shouted.

"Oooh, cool!" the second fangirl said, painting Tea's hair light green with a large paintbrush. "You get to duel Yami Yugi!"

"Yeah, awesome!" the third fangirl shouted, painting Tea's toenails black.

"But if Mary Sue wins, we get to keep Tea, right?" the fourth fangirl asked, punching Tea in the face repeatedly. "And we also get to keep you!"

The three fangirls giggled as Yami Yugi and Mary Sue stepped into the nearby Battlebox.

"Fine, but I won't lose!" Yami Yugi shouted. "We'll each put up six Nuts! That means that not only will the winner get to keep Tea, but the winner will also be the first duelist that makes it to the Battlebot City Finals!"

"Yaaaaaaaaay!" Mary Sue squealed. "Let's go, Yami Yugi! Even if I lose, I still love yoooou!"

"Then..." Yugi said, "the box is locked..."

"The lights are on!" Mary Sue shouted.

"And it's time... to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DUEL!!!" Yami shouted.

__

"Yugi, I sure hope you know what you're doing..." Tea thought. _"And I wish these stupid fangirls would stop torturing me!"_

---

While Yugi and Mary Sue's duel was starting, Joey and Sumao's duel had continued for two more turns. With the help of various magic cards, Joey managed to slightly whittle down Sumao's Life Points just a little bit more, while protecting his own.

****

Joey: 50/Sumao: 1300

"Alright, Wheeler, it's your turn," Sumao said, having played F5 (ATK: 2200/DEF: 1500), a deadly, spinning blade bot on the field next to No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 3700). "Try to beat my two bots with your one!"

"Come on, Joey!" Serenity shouted. "You can win this thing!"

"Yeah, Joey!" Tristan yelled. "Isn't there something in your deck more powerful than Matador?"  
  
"Hey, Matador is an awfully cool bot!" Joey yelled. "There's no way anything is more powerful than The Matador!"

Joey drew a card. It was Chinkilla (ATK: 4000/DEF: 3000), a huge, grey bot with four spinning blades on the sides, and a big metallic Jay Leno face on the front.

"I stand corrected," Joey said. "But whoa, how can I play it? I need to sacrifice two level-7 bots or higher to play it, and I only have one!"

"What's the matter, Joey?" Sumao asked. "Didn't you get a good card?"

"Shut up!" Joey yelled. "You're getting really annoying, you know that?"  


"Oooh, you're pretty mad, huh?" Sumao shouted. "Well, I'm mad too! I'm mad that you're struggling so hard to win when it's useless! This duel is boring the crap out of me!"

Finally, Serenity could take Sumao's yelling no more. She turned toward him and launched into an angry tirade.

"Hey, you stupid kid!" Serenity shouted. "Joey's my big brother, and you're being a really, really, really mean jerk to him!"

"Wha?" Sumao asked. _"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... and she's mad at me! Oh no!"_

"Stop harassing my big brother!" Serenity said. "Pick on someone your own size! You big dumb JERK!"

"Whoa, Serenity...." Tristan said. "You're mad..."

Serenity turned back toward Tristan. 

"Sorry about that..." Serenity said. "I'm usually not angry like that... I'd never yell at you, Tristan!"

__

"Alright! She'd never yell at me!" Tristan thought. _"You're making a lot of progress! Wait... a lot of couples fight all the time! Oh no, she still just wants to be my friend! Dammit!"_

"Serenity... I've never seen her act like that before," Joey said. "I've got to win this match! For her! But what can I do? I can't get Chinkilla out without another big-time bot!"

Joey looked back at the cards in his hand. Suddenly, he saw something.

"That's it! Alright!" Joey said. "Your butt is finished, Sumao! I play Jay Leno's Endorsement!"

Jay Leno appeared on the field.

"Hey, have you seen my new bot, Chinkilla?" Jay said. "He really kicks ass, doesn't he? Sorta like my ex-wife! Ha!"

Jay Leno disappeared. 

  
"That means I only have to pay one level 7 monster as tribute for Chinkilla!" Joey shouted. "And I pay Matador!"

  
Matador disappeared. In its place, Chinkilla appeared.

"Serenity yelled at me..." Sumao said sadly, not noticing Joey's new bot on the field. Chinkilla drove right through No Apologies' Anti-Whyachi Tool and rolled right over the bot, destroying it instantly. Since it was in Defense Mode, Sumao lost no Life Points.

"Your turn!" Joey shouted. "Hey, Sumao? Your turn!"

"Serenity..." Sumao sighed. "I'm sorry..."

"Sumao?" Joey asked. "Hey-"

  
"I can't play," Sumao said. "Finish me off...."

"What?" Joey shouted. "You serious, kid? Well, okay! Chinkilla, attack F5!"

Chinkilla rolled over F5, causing 1800 points of damage to Sumao's Life Points. His LP rolled down all the way to 0. 

"I win!" Joey said triumphantly, jumping up into the air. Sumao stepped down from his battle platform, set two of his four Nuts down onto the field, and sadly began walking away.

"Hey, what's his deal?" Tristan asked. "He's just a sore loser."

"Guys, I don't think I should have yelled at him..." Serenity said. She ran over to Sumao. "Hey, Sumao, I'm..."

  
"What do you want?" Sumao yelled. "You want to be mean to me again? Go ahead..."

He began sniffling.

"Sumao, I'm sorry..." Serenity said, giving him a big hug. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, and-"

"Hey guys, I won the match," Joey said. "Shouldn't you be celebrating? C'mon, it was a tough match! I almost lost!"

"Thank you, Serenity..." Sumao said.

"I caused you to lose," Serenity said. "I'm really, really sorry-"

  
"Nah, I couldn't have won anyway. I looked at my cards," Sumao said. "I wouldn't have let Joey attack me if I had something to stop Chinkilla. I wasn't THAT hurt.... well, I guess I was, a little, but-"

"Hah! I beat you fair and square!" Joey shouted. "Uh... good match, kid. See, I'm not a jerk either! And hey, you're still in the tournament!"

  
"Yeah, you're right!" Sumao said, smiling. "I can still win! Well, bye everyone! Bye bye, Serenity!"

Sumao ran off.

"What a sweet little boy," Serenity said. 

__

"NO!" Tristan thought. _"This is not gonna become another one of those Sammy/Ami things!"_

"He's almost as sweet as you, Tristan!" Serenity said, turning around. "But not quite!"

__

"Yes!" Tristan thought. 

"Thanks, Serenity," Tristan said. "Now let's celebrate Joey's victory by getting some pizza!"

"Okay, but first I wanna go check on Mai," Joey said. "Just to make sure she hasn't been kidnapped or anything."

---

****

Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 4000

"So, Mai, are you gonna attack, or what?" Mokuba said. "Hurry up!"

"I don't have a Bot that I can play, okay!" Mai shouted. "Mecha Tentomushi was the only one in my hand! All I have are stupid level 5 and 6 bots that I need a stupid sacrifice to play!"

"You mean... I win?" Mokuba asked.

"No, I play this card face down," Mai said. "Now you win."

  
"Hell no, dawg! I ain't falling for that trick!" Mokuba shouted. "Damn, woman, why you be tryin' to play me like that? That damn thing is a trap card!"

"Whatever," Mai said nonchalantly. 

"You know what? I'm not scared like you!" Mokuba yelled. "Das Bot, attack her directly!"

Mai smirked.

"I'm not stupid, Mokuba," Mai said. The face-down card flipped up to reveal itself. Mokuba gasped.

"Daaaaaaaamn...."

"I reveal the trap card Carmen Electra Flashes Her Breasts!" Mai shouted. Das Bot stopped in its tracks. "Now I get to draw a card from my deck! If it's a bot, I get to play it no matter what, and it gets to attack you!"

Mai drew from her deck.

"Yes! Diesector (ATK: 2750/DEF: 2700), attack!"

Diesector appeared on the field. Carmen Electra disappeared. Diesector ran down Mokuba's Das Bot, causing 1150 damage to Mokuba's Life Points as well.

"Aw no, hell no!" Mokuba shouted.

"And now it's my turn!" Mai said, drawing a card. "Diesector, attack him AGAIN!"

Diesector, at full-speed, slammed into Mokuba, causing 2750 more damage to his Life Points. Mai laughed.

****

Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 100

"So, Mokuba, I bet you don't have a cuss word for this situation, huh?" Mai said slyly.

"****ing ***** **** you! **** ****ing **** *****!" Mokuba cursed.

"Well, it's your turn," Mai said. 

"I'll play this ****ing card face-down and end my turn. **** you," Mokuba said.

"Oooh, sore loser," Mai cooed, drawing a card. "Well, it's been fun, but you've said your last cuss word! Diesector, finish him!"

"You got hosed, dawg! You're ****ed up now, beeyotch!" Mokuba shouted. The face-down card flipped over, revealing itself. "Mechanical Error! Diesector fails, and you lose half of its attack points as Life Points! Guess what that means?"  


Mai gasped.

"That's right! Bye bye, Mai-Mai!" Mokuba shouted. Diesector wheeled backwards into Mai, depleting her Life Points to zero. "Hell yeah!"

A tear slid down Mai's cheek. Mokuba took Mai's two Nuts.

"I'm sorry Mai-Mai," Mokuba rapped. "I never meant to hurt you... I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I'm cleaning out your Life Points! Wooo!"

  
Mokuba walked off, leaving Mai standing on her battle platform in shock. She didn't see the Rare Hunter sneaking up behind her. The Rare Hunter grabbed her, put her in a burlap sack, and ran off.

---

Meanwhile...

"Ha! I defeated you without even using my deck!" Kaiba laughed, taking the small boy's two Nuts. "Now I have nine Nuts!"

"Make that eleven, Seto!" Mokuba said, running up to Kaiba and handing him two Nuts. "Dawg, I just whooped Mai's ass!"

"Mokuba, what did I tell you about using that kind of language?" Kaiba shouted. "Oh well, it makes no difference. One more Nut, and I'll advance to the Battlebot Invitational Duel Monsters Tournament Finals! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Oh, and then I'll beat Yugi. Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!"

---

Uh oh! Not only did Mai lose all of her Nuts, she's been kidnapped! Will anyone save her? And coming up next time, Yami Yugi will take on Mary Sue in the ultimate duel! Plus, Kaiba begins the quest to gain his last Nut! All next time, on Bot-Gi-Oh!


	5. Bakura Gets Glomped

DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

---

In Malik's dark warehouse of doom, the evil Malik was scheming.

"Two cups of amaretto beans... a tablespoon of cream... soon, the perfect coffee will be mine!" Malik shouted, standing by a coffeemaker and watching the brown brew boil. "Mwahahaha!"

As Malik picked up the coffeepot, his cell phone rang. He took it out and held it to his ear.

"What do you want?" Malik shouted.

"Sir, I've captured Mai Valentine, like you asked me!" shouted the voice on the phone, belonging to the demented Rare Hunter. "What should I do with her?"

"Well..."

But before Malik could answer, there was a knock at the warehouse's large, metallic door. 

"Sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that," Malik said. "Someone's at the door."

Malik put down the cell phone and the coffeepot and opened the large door. Standing in the doorway was a very cheerful-looking Bakura.

"Hello, Malik!" Bakura said, smiling. "I want to make an alliance with you!"

"An... alliance?" Malik asked. "We had an alliance once, and it didn't work out."

"Come on!" Bakura pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeeease? I won't screw you this time!"

---

__

Malik- Evil Sadistic Bastard

Egyptian Tribe

"First of all, he wasn't even in his Yami state. And you all know that when Bakura's not a Yami, he's a wimp. Secondly, last time, I kicked his ass. I didn't know how much his dueling skills have improved, but I was feeling reeeeeeally weary about forming another alliance with him."

---

__

Bakura- Ambiguously Gay Sadistic Bastard

Domino Tribe

"Malik is so nice. I mean, sometimes he can be mean, but he's usually nice. I really wanted to form an alliance with him... I know he killed me last time, but I can forgive and forget. I mean, it's gotten me this far, right?"

---

"Sure," Malik said. "We can form an alliance..."

"That's great!" Bakura said. "I'm sure that if we pool our votes, we'll be able to get Yugi out of the game pretty quickly. I can get some of his friends to turn on him, and-"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Malik asked. "Just go make sure Yugi doesn't win his match with Mary Sue."

"Fine," Bakura said. His face took on an evil demeanor, and he smirked, showing his scary teeth and his scarier forehead. "And when I'm done, I'll kill you too! Mwahahaha!"

Yami Bakura left.

---

****

Yugi: 4000/Mary Sue: 4000

"I love you, Yugi! But I'm going to enjoy kicking your butt!" Mary Sue shouted. "And then we'll torture Tea together!"

"That's not going to happen," Yami Yugi said sternly. "I have the Heart of the Cards on my side!"

"Really?" Mary Sue said. "Me too! We both have the Heart of the Cards, Yugi! We share the same heart... ooh, that gives me a great fanfic idea! One Card, One Heart! It'll be about-"

"Will you please go?" Yami Yugi said, getting slightly annoyed.

  
"Fine," Mary Sue said. She played a card onto the field, causing a large, flat-looking H-shaped bot to appear. "Huggy Bear (ATK: 1300/DEF: 1500), in attack mode!"

"Yay, Huggy Bear!" shouted the second fangirl, waving a Mary Sue flag. "Huggy Bear's huggle attack is unstoppable! It'll glomp you to death!"

"And I play these two cards face down and then you go," Mary Sue said. "Show me what you've got, Yugi! In your pants, that is..."

Mary Sue giggled.

"That was a disgusting remark," Yami Yugi said, drawing a card. "Alright then, I'll play this! Or rather, these!"

Yugi played a card down on the field. Suddenly, two identical bots appeared. They each had a large, moving claw that looked like it could lift other bots. Mary Sue gasped.

"Two bots in one turn is cheating!" Mary Sue shouted.

  
"That's right!" the third fangirl shouted.

  
"I get to punch Tea in the face!" the fourth fangirl said. "Well, if I hadn't been doing it for the past five minutes, anyway..."

Tea groaned in pain as the vicious fangirl punched her again.

"It's not cheating, it's a special Battlebots-exclusive card called a Multibot card!" Yami Yugi said. "Two monsters in one card! This card is Pack Raptors (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1400 x2)! They appear as one but they can strike seperately! It's in defense mode. And now it's your turn!"

"No face-down cards, huh?" Mary Sue asked, drawing another card. "That's a big mistake! Huggy Bear, attack!"

Huggy Bear drove toward the two Pack Raptors and grabbed one of them, squeezing its metal sides together to catch the bot. 

"That was a mistake!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Now, I'll shift them both to attack mode! Pack Raptors, attack in tandem!"

The other Pack Raptor slammed into Huggy Bear's side. Mary Sue cackled.

__

"Why is she laughing?" Tea thought. _"She's about to lose 1300 Life Points!"_

"Oh, no I'm not, Tea!" Mary Sue said victoriously.

__

"How can you read my mind?" Tea thought in disbelief.

"In my fic, I'm a psychic with ESP!" Mary Sue said, smiling. "I can do a lot of things! And here's one of them!"

Mary Sue flipped her face-down card to reveal a picture of a large bot, slicing two smaller bots into pieces.

"Multibot Mowdown!" Mary Sue said. "My bot can attack both of your bots separately if they gang up on it! I didn't know what a Multibot was when I played it, but it's better to be safe than sorry, isn't it?"

Huggy Bear grabbed both of the Pack Raptors and crushed them both into scrap. Yugi's life points took 200 damage.

****

Yugi: 3800/Mary Sue: 4000

"And now, I play my next card! Sunshine Lollibot (ATK: 1900/DEF: 800), in attack mode!"

Mary Sue played another bot card. A large, pink bot with a huge spinning blade in front of it appeared. The blade began to spin.

"It's so pretty!" the third fangirl squealed.

"Well, Yuuuuuuuuugi, I'll play another card face down... now it's your turn!" Mary Sue shouted. "I told you I had the Heart of the Cards!"

Yami Yugi clenched his teeth and stared across the field at Mary Sue's formidable cards.

__

"She's tougher than she looks... I have to do something!" Yugi thought.

"Thanks, Yugi!" Mary Sue said, smiling.

__

"Dammit!" 

"I heard that," Mary Sue said. "Bad Yugi!"

Mary Sue began to giggle.

---

Meanwhile....

"Mai?" Joey shouted, running through the city and searching desperately for his friend. "Mai, where are you?"

"Mai!" Tristan yelled. "Mai, you there?"  
  
"Stop yelling, you guys..." Serenity said. "I'm sure Mai's around here somewhere..."

"Hey, essé!" yelled the perverted Rare Hunter, waving at Joey. "I lied, I cheated, and I stole your girlfriend!"

"You what?" Joey yelled, clenching his fists. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Brooklyn-style!" 

"If you can catch me!" the Rare Hunter yelled. "Bwahahaha!"

The Rare Hunter ran off. Joey gave chase. Tristan and Serenity started to follow him.

"No, no, essé, you come alone!" the Rare Hunter shouted. "You come alone or Mai's history!"

"You heard him," Joey said. "Tristan, take care of my sister, okay?"

"I sure will, Joey!" Tristan said. He turned to Serenity. "C'mon, let's get some pizza, okay?"

"Be careful, Joey!" Serenity shouted. "I think the Rare Hunter wants to lead you into a trap..."

"No trap can stop me!" Joey said confidently. "I'll be fine!"

"You comin' or not?" the Rare Hunter yelled. "I don't have all day..."

"Hey, why are you taking me to Mai, anyway?" Joey yelled.

"It's a trap, duh," the Rare Hunter said. "I'm trying to kill you so I can get your rare cards for Master Malik."

"Oh, okay," Joey said. "Just checking."

The Rare Hunter began running again.

---

Meanwhile, outside of the huge Battlebot Tournament Arena, Yugi's grandpa had been standing in line to get Carmen Electra's autograph for the last two hours.

"Geez, everyone wants to meet Carmen Electra..." Yugi's grandpa said. "I bet she's already slept with twenty guys today. It's not fair! All I want is her autograph... on my wang, of course."

"Hey, are you Yugi's grandfather?" asked a small boy standing behind him. "Yugi's in a big match!"

"Really?" Yugi's grandpa asked. "I don't care, I'm meeting Carmen Electra!"

"It's a really good match..." the boy said, pointing up to a big-screen TV that was showing the match. Yugi's grandpa looked up.

"It's not that good.... hey, Yugi's opponent is hot!" Yugi's grandpa said. "And is that Tea duct-taped to that tree? Hachi mama, this IS a good match! Go, hot dominatrix chick! Kick my grandson's butt!"

---

__

"What do I do?" Yugi thought to himself. _"She can read my thoughts like Pegasus, she's a really good duelist, AND she's got the heart of the cards... I've gotta figure out a way to beat her!"_

"You don't HAVE to figure out a way to beat me... I'll still love you if you lose!" Mary Sue shouted.

"Shut up!" Yami Yugi roared. "That does it! Feel the power of American Justice (ATK: 1600/DEF: 1500)! In attack mode!"

A large wedged bot, painted red, white, and blue, and adorned with American flags, appeared on the field. 

"And now, I play my Lifting Wedge! American Justice's attack goes up to 2100!" Yami Yugi said. 

"Interesting, a patriotic card," Mary Sue said. "Not like it'll do you any good!"

"I'll play another card face down and end my turn," Yami Yugi said.

"You might have a big, mean superheavyweight bot on the field, but I'm about to even the score! Take this!"

Mary Sue flipped over the second card she had played face-down on her first turn. 

"I'm thinking inside the box! And I'm putting your bot in one!" Mary Sue said. "It's the Incredible Shrinking Battlebox!"

"Incredible Shrinking what?" Yami Yugi shouted.

"Look!" Mary Sue said. Yugi's American Justice bot was trapped inside its own, miniature Battlebox, completely unable to move. "And now you've got nothing again!"

__

"That means there's nothing to protect Yugi's life points!" Tea thought. "Mmmmmmmph!"

"Quiet, you," the second fangirl said, pouring a large bucket of sticky hot chocolate on Tea's head. Then, she smacked Tea in the face with the bucket.

"Stop that!" Yami Yugi shouted. He turned to Mary Sue. "Call off your fangirls, or I'll-"

"You'll what?" Mary Sue said. "You'll get mad? Oooh, you're sexy when you're mad...."

"Sexy Yugi!" the fourth fangirl said, jumping up and down. "Sexy sexy angry Yugi, OMG!!!"

"Sunshine Lollibot, Huggy Bear, attack Yugi's life points directly!" Mary Sue shouted. The two bots did just that, wheeling toward Yugi's side of the field.

"You've forgotten about this!" Yugi shouted, flipping over his own face-down card. "Now you'll pay!"

The field began to split down the middle, and a large, violently uplifting section of the floor lifted the two attacking bots into the air. Mary Sue squealed.

"What's that?" Mary Sue shrieked.

  
"It's the Hellraiser, and your bots are helpless to stop it!" Yami Yugi said. 

Huggy Bear rolled past the Hellraiser and slammed into Yugi, deducting 1500 life points from him.

"Ha! Huggy Bear still got through!" Mary Sue said happily.

"Some bots do get through the Hellraiser, it's completely random," Yugi said. "But your other bot is immobilzed for three turns!"

The Hellraiser lowered to the ground. Sunshine Lollibot had been flipped onto its side, its blade grinding into the Battlebox floor.

****

Yugi: 2300/Mary Sue: 4000

"I don't care, I've still got a huge lead!" Mary Sue said. "And I still have Huggy Bear. So.... it's your move!"

"Alright," Yami Yugi said, drawing his next card. He smiled. "Mary Sue... your time is up."

  
"Huh?" Mary Sue said, slightly puzzled. "What are you saying?"

"I play this!" Yami Yugi shouted, slamming a card down onto the field. "Rapid-Fire Building Team! I have to sacrifice 800 Life Points to play it, but it's worth it, because I get to take the top three cards from my deck! Any bots in those three I can play, no matter what! I send all the other cards to the scrap heap!"

Yami Yugi drew three cards.

"I have two bot cards to play... Complete Control (ATK: 2500/DEF: 1750) and Hexadecimator (ATK: 2600/DEF: 2300)!" 

He put the other card in his discard pile. Just then, a team of builders ran onto Yugi's side of the field and quickly assembled the two bots Yugi had drawn. Mary Sue watched in bewilderment.

"And now, to scrap American Justice and Complete Control... in order to unleash the sound and the fury of Son of Whyachi!" Yugi shouted. American Justice, still trapped in its tiny Battlebox, disappeared, as did the recently-assembled Complete Control. Son of Whyachi (ATK: 3600/DEF: 1800) began spinning its hammers menacingly.

"Son... of... Whyachi..." Mary Sue said, her mouth agape. "Son of Whyachi! Son of Whyachi Son of Whyachi Son of Whyachi OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!"

Son of Whyachi spun at the immobilized Sunshine Lollibot and smashed it into pieces. 

****

Yugi: 1500/Mary Sue: 2300

"Your move, Mary Sue," Yugi said. Mary Sue smiled.

"You've got two big, huge, mean bots, and I only have poor little Huggle Bear," Mary Sue said. "And I couldn't be happier!"

"That's right! It's an honor to lose to a cutie like you!" the second fangirl said, smearing peanut butter in Tea's face.

"No, I'm going to win," Mary Sue said. "That's why I'm so happy!"

Mary Sue flipped over her last face-down card.

"What is it?" Yami Yugi asked. "You can't win."

"Au contraire!" Mary Sue said, smiling. "Welcome to Big Wimpy Arena!"

The Battlebox began to glow. Suddenly, the plexiglass of the box turned a transparent shade of light pink. Pictures of baby bunnies and baby kitties adorned the box.

  
"What the...." Yami Yugi said in shock.

"Inside Big Wimpy Arena, heavyweights and superheavyweights with an attack rating of 2000 or more are always in Defense Mode! Your big mean bots can only defend, but I'm on the attack!"

"Oh no!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Son of Whyachi is useless!"

Mary Sue giggled. 

  
"Don't you admire my skills, Yugi? Kiss me! I'm about to beat you!"

Mary Sue played another card.

"I'll use Off-Season Repairs to bring back Sunshine Lollibot, better than ever!" Mary Sue said. A team of builders came out onto the field and rebuilt the scrapped bot. "Sunshine Lollibot's attack points are enough to take out Son of Whyachi! Soooo... take out your revenge!"

Sunshine Lollibot's blade slammed into the now passive Son of Whyachi, sending sparks everywhere. However, when the sparks cleared, Son of Whyachi was still there.

"Hey!" Mary Sue whined. "What the hell's going on?"

"I regret to inform you that Son of Whyachi can only be scrapped by other superheavyweights," Yami Yugi said. "However, the drawback is that you can cause damage to it even while it's in Defense Mode."

****

Yugi: 1400/Mary Sue: 2300

"Well, at least I did something!" Mary Sue shouted. "Your turn, cutie...."

Mary Sue giggled.

But little did either of the duelists know, Yami Bakura had finally entered the park where the battle was taking place. He approached the Battlebox.

__

"The Pharaoh is losing..." Yami Bakura mused to himself. _"This is interesting... Mary Sue is quite a skilled duelist..."_

Mary Sue squealed.

"Bakuuuuuuuuuuuura!" Mary Sue shouted, turning and waving to him. "Hello, Bakura! Did you come to watch me win? I love you too, don't worry!"

"Bakura!" Yami Yugi said, also turning toward him. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Yami Bakura's demeanor quickly changed. He detransformed back into normal.

"Oh, hello, Yugi! I came to cheer you on in your duel!" Bakura said.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmph!" Tea shouted, turning her head toward Bakura. "Mmmph hmm mmph!"

"Tea, is that you?" Bakura asked, running over to her. "Why are you covered in all this icky stuff? And why are you duct-taped to a-"

The three fangirls who were torturing Tea stopped and glomped Bakura all at once, knocking him to the ground. Because of Bakura's extremely weak constitution, the glomping caused him to pass out. The three girls began taking turns making out with the unconscious Bakura.

__

"They're distracted..." Tea thought, beginning to try and squirm loose from the tree. _"Now's my chance to escape!"_

"Oh, no you don't!" Mary Sue shouted. "You'll never escape! Stop trying! Stop it right now!"

"Stop yelling and duel me, Mary Sue!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Right now! It's my turn, and I play World Peace (ATK: 1200/DEF: 1600)! In defense mode!"

A large, trapezoidal green bot with a white dove painted on its side appeared on the field.

"I see..." Mary Sue said. "So it's defending too? Your bots are wimps!"

Yugi played a card face-down onto the field.

"Your turn, Mary Sue..." Yami Yugi said.

Ignoring Tea, who was still trying to escape from the tree, Mary Sue drew her card. 

"You have three bots defending, and now, I have three bots attacking!" Mary Sue yelled. "I play Sisyphus (ATK: 1550/DEF: 1250), in Attack Mode!"

A bot that resembled a small pyramid with wedge-shaped slopes on each side appeared on the field. Mary Sue smirked. She played a card face-down.

"I'll have Sunshine Lollibot attack Son of Whyachi again! Now it's your turn!"

Mary Sue's attack reduced Yugi's life points by 100 more.

****

Yugi: 1300/Mary Sue: 2300

__

"Now's my chance..." Yugi thought. _"I don't care if Mary Sue hears this, because next turn, she's screwed big time!"_

"REALLY?" Mary Sue squealed. "Yay! Yugi's gonna screw me! OMG!"

Mary Sue did a happy little dance on her battle platform. Yugi sighed.

---

Meanwhile, Joey had pursued the Rare Hunter into a large, abandoned crackhouse in a dingy part of the city. He looked around, but saw no one... except for Bandit Keith, facing the corner.

"Bandit Keith!" Joey shouted, running up to him. "You'd better tell me where Mai is, right now!"

Bandit Keith slowly turned around. His eyes were read and bloodshot, and there was a straw up his nose.

"Leave me alone, asshole," Bandit Keith said in a slurred tone. "If you're a cop, I'm gonna punch you in the balls."

  
"Bandit Keith's a drug addict?" Joey stammered. 

"Shut up, Wheeler," Bandit Keith said. He tossed a handful of white powder in Joey's face. Joey stumbled back, coughing and sputtering.

"Aaaaah! He threw cocaine at me! I'm a drug addict now!" Joey yelled. "Hey, wait... this is baby powder. You've been snorting baby powder!"

"I thought it was crack!" Bandit Keith shouted. "Dammit, I'm gonna kick that kid's ass!"

Bandit Keith stumbled out of the crackhouse.

"Now, where's Mai?" Joey said, looking around. He walked into a small, decrepit kitchen, and there, he saw Mai, tied to a chair. "Mai!"

Mai began sobbing.

  
"Joey, I couldn't even beat Mokuba! I failed!" Mai sobbed.

"Don't you even know you're being held hostage?" Joey asked her.

"I lost my nuts!" Mai screamed. "Mokuba took my nuts!"

"Yeah, and I think he sold Keith baby powder, too," Joey said. "Well, anyway, I'll have you out of here in a jiffy."

"Not so fast, essé!" shouted a voice from behind Joey. Joey spun around to see the perverted Rare Hunter, standing behind him.

"It's you!" Joey shouted. "I'm gonna kick your butt for kidnapping Mai! I'm gonna kick your butt, Manhattan-style!"

"I thought it was Brooklyn-style," the Rare Hunter said.

  
"Eh, same difference," Joey said. "I challenge you to a duel for Mai's freedom!"

"You know, you're closer to her than I am, you could probably just untie her yourself right now," the Rare Hunter said. "Wait, no! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I kill myself!"

The Rare Hunter took out a knife and held it over his chest. Joey grabbed the knife away.

"You know, you could have probably just stabbed me and took my deck," Joey said. "Wait, no! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I kill myself!"

Joey held the knife over his chest. The Rare Hunter snatched it back.

"On second thought, a duel is fine," the Rare Hunter said, putting the knife away. "I'm gonna show you my Latino Heeeeeeeat!"

"It's on!" Joey shouted. "Let's duel!! But wait... we need a Battlebox."

"This crackhouse IS a Battlebox!" the Rare Hunter said. "We're gonna have a Bot Street fight!"

Joey and the Rare Hunter walked out into the living room.

  
"The winner of this duel gets Mai, and two of the other duelist's nuts! Deal?" Joey asked.

"Sure, whatever," the Rare Hunter said. "Are you ready for a Bot Street Fight? The action is raw and bloody, just like your dead body is going to be after I stab you!"

"I thought you weren't going to use the knife," Joey said.

  
"Oh yeah," the Rare Hunter replied. "Let's just duel."

"I don't care who wins, I already lost!" Mai screamed from the other room.

---

And that's all for today's chapter! Will Yugi beat Mary Sue? Will Joey win the Bot Street Fight without getting killed? And will Bakura be glomped to death by crazed fangirls? It's all gonna be revealed, next time on Bot-Gi-Oh!


End file.
